Indesicion and other Difficulties…

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As some of you know, I have an 18 almost 19 yr old step daughter, that I raised with Hubs from the time she was 6 yrs old. The last few years of having her in our house were tumultuous, HARD times.. she was constantly disobedient, disrespectful, rude, mean to her siblings to the point of abuse.  We sent her to live with her grandparents, where she got into trouble and was sent off to Job Corps to avoid jail time. There, though she finished high school, got her driving license and completed the program, she fell in with the VERY wrong crowd. She decided that she was a skin head lesbian, got married to her wife, and moved FAR away. About as far as she could get and still be in the country. She blocked us from her FB, and only called when she needed something. It recently came to our attention that she is pregnant. (HOW? I am not entirely sure! Kind of defeats the laws of nature!) The last time she texted me it was simply to tell me that she was a lesbian and to twist everything I said around trying to start an argument.  I told her that she was free to call me or text me when she could have an adult conversation with me. I have not heard from her since… this was over 6 months ago.

Now she wants to come home. Apparently she heard about my emergency surgery, and has decided that she wants to come “help” me. I have found out though that she has broken up with her “wife”  and boyfriend and is living in a homeless shelter. She has suddenly decided that I am mom and she loves me. It’s always been this way… I am not mom unless she wants something from me, or no one else will give her what she wants, then I am the last resort. So this means she has already tried all the grandparents and her biological mom and they have all told her no.

 

Val holding Putters when she was just hours old.

While she is and always will be my daughter, and I love her, I have 6 other children to protect and care for. I feel like if I let her come home, with all her attitudes and problems, it is going to poison my other children. At the same time, there is now a baby to think about. And with us re-discovering our relationship with God, this could be the time she comes to really know Him too! I am so confused, and undecided… but totally unsure if I can have a pierced and tattooed young adult with an attitude living with me without loosing my mind!! And can’t get over the fact I am going to be a 31 yr old grandmother!!

~Katie

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About misadventuresofafamilyof8

I am a SAHM of 6 kids, and I homeschool, cloth diaper, wear my toddler, used to breastfeed, cook from scratch, not so crunchy mama. Hubs is a chef, and loves to cook. We go to church when we can, and I love to learn new things about how to be a better wife and mother.

14 responses

  1. Wow what a tough spot to be in! I really wouldn’t know what to say or do in your situation. You want to show God’s loving kindness and forgiveness but at the same time she needs to learn to live on her own as an adult with the choices that she has made. Is there any cheap housing near you where she could move? That way she is near so that you can show her your support and love for her and her baby, but she is not able to just get a “free ride” from mom. This way she is also not always going to be around and you can set some guidelines for when she does visit.
    If there isn’t a cheap place for her to stay, and if you have a room you could rent her, maybe the similar situation could be worked out. So that she is staying with you, but is not getting a “free ride”. If she doesn’t have an income, encourage her to try and find one. Being a SAHM is great, but not everyone can do it, but then you could watch the baby (if you think you would be able to handle another). It’s a hard place to be. I will keep your family and situation in my prayers and let God do the rest. Just let Him guide you through your decision making.

    • Thanks Kiyomi, that is a great idea.. since we are preparing to move, I wouldn’t want to set her up in a place then have to move her.. but I think requiring her to find a job and pay rent is a perfect idea. Maybe giving her a time limit to finding something.. thanks!

  2. Wow mama. I’m so sorry! I agree with the previous poster… while you want to be forgiving and show God’s love, sometimes that is construed as being a pushover. You are NOT a free ride, and in some ways she will see it as giving into what she wants and she won’t learn any lessons

    If this were me and this were my situation, this is what I would do. I would go do some research about some local housing, and figure out some good job leads and pass them her way. That way, you will show her that you still want to help her and will be there for her, but you will be there for her in such a way that you will help her become a contributing adult, and not help her in the way that she can bum around on your couch.

    If I couldn’t find any cheap housing and moving back in was the last resort, I would write up a contract and make her sign it before she moves in. The contract would have stuff on it like:

    1. You are expected to either be in college, FULL TIME, and submit proof or have a job full time and submit proof.

    2. Your rent is (insert amount) per week. This will cover food and electricity for you and your baby.

    3. You will be home by midnight each and every night.

    4. You will help with chores around the house.

    5. You will maintain proper language, and recognize that your behavior has an impact on the rest of this family.

    And so on. If she refuses to sign it, then that is HER choice, but she should be expected to follow the rules of the family. So, if you offered to let her come back and she CHOOSES to not follow the rules, that’s on her, not on you. Make sense?

    • In my opinion, either way a full time job is absolutely REQUIRED. Showing you and your husband RESPECT and HELPING is NOT OPTIONAL. Make that clear to her.

  3. It is a good idea to tell her she needs to get a job and pay rent, but try to see if she can find a college to go to that has classes she would be interested in- for a career. My grandfather pushed me to go into college and i had no idea what i was going to do. Well, I failed, BUT I know that I cannot be an ECED teacher, because of my own medical problems- I can only handle so many screaming and disobedient kids at once and it’s no fault to them I just….get a certain way. LOL I also learned that what I want to do, they have no degree for. I want to be a writer- not a newspaper writer, but a novelist like Tolkien or Rowling. I write poetry and I have so many novel ideas I’m bound to get something noticed. 🙂

    Maybe you should sit down and try to talk with her. I know how stubborn we teenagers are though!

    Good luck and God Bless. While you are her mom, you also have other children to take care of and make sure they don’t follow a wrong path or atleast try not to follow a wrong path.While we can guide our children to what they should do, sometimes it’s hard to guide them from what they shouldn’t. I hope all works out!

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  5. Sounds like you’ll be raising her baby too. I wish you all the best. I have 4 adult stepsons 3 of which we wont get to see for another 8 – 10, if you catch my drift! i will be here for you if you need to vent.

    • Thanks Rebecca.. So sorry about your step sons.. And that is my thoughts exactly!

      I find it interesting that she SO wants to come home, cause she misses us and loves us.. etc.. yet can’t get to the bus station to catch a ride here… So I won’t be picking her up today, now that I have rearranged my day.. If she isn’t there tomorrow she will have to find another way to get the 30 miles from the bus station to here.. :o)

  6. Living At Home Agreement

    While you are our child, you are also an adult with a child on the way. Because of this you will be expected to act as an adult. This means that:

    1. You will be required to find a full time job, or enroll in classes at the college with a part time job or student loan to pay for them. You are about to become a single mother and you need to be prepared. Be prepared to show proof that you are working/going to school.
    2. You will be required to pay rent IF you are not attending classes at the college. This will pay for the food you eat, the electricity and water that you use for you and your baby. The rent amount is $150 per month.
    3. You will be expected to help with household chores, cleaning, doing what needs to be done without needing to be told or reminded.
    4. You will be expected to be home by midnight EVERYNIGHT. Though you are an adult, there are other people involved and you coming and going all hours of the night will be disruptive.
    5. You will not be allowed to sleep past 8:30 a.m. unless you are sick or have another worthy excuse. This is a family and we all get up and get moving and experience our day together. Get home early enough to get a good night’s sleep so this is not a difficulty for you. If you rise before others, show respect by being quiet.
    6. NO drugs or alcohol will be allowed. Period.
    7. You will be required to maintain proper language, modest behavior and dress. Your behavior, attitude and dress directly impact the rest of this family.
    8. You will be required to show up for ALL prenatal doctor appointments, and take care of your body and your baby.
    9. Showing respect to ALL family members and neighbors and helping anywhere needed is NOT optional and is a requirement for living here.

    If you agree to these rules, you may stay. If not you will need to find another place to live as soon as reasonably possible.

    Signature: ________________________________________
    Signature: ________________________________________
    Signature: ________________________________________